


Thank You For Everything, Goodbye

by Guessimaclotpole



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Episode: s05e13 The Diamond of the Day, Heartbreak, Letters, Loss, M/M, Memories, Mind Control, Sadness, Season Finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-12
Updated: 2018-10-12
Packaged: 2019-07-30 00:58:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16275908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Guessimaclotpole/pseuds/Guessimaclotpole
Summary: Before the battle of Camlann, Gwaine wrote Merlin a letter to be given if he is to die.Now, he is faced with Morgana after the battle of Camlann has been won.Inspired by, the wonderful Nebula5030, and a companion piece to her story: ‘My Dearest Merlin’





	Thank You For Everything, Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nebula5030](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nebula5030/gifts).
  * Inspired by [My Dearest Merlin](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14673963) by [Nebula5030](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nebula5030/pseuds/Nebula5030). 



> In the event that you have happened across this story, I advise listening to the accompanying playlist while you read.
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/ra54tivmaif9ju1kizwcfosz8/playlist/3PyhVnpETnuH98YPpM1ZFL?si=zT3Db6pfTDS0yvu5O2CBeA
> 
>    
> Or
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL78iRy6YfwhWDkeXFciqYx0IqjJ1sRPTe

" **Unmicel snaca, suge þa soþan... swilcnesse** " 

Morgana whispered the words in Gwaine’s ear before he felt the torturous bite of the Nathair. It was merely a pinch at first, just a little nip of the skin; and then everything was numb.

His mind was empty; clear of anything- submerged in total blackness. He felt his heart rate pick up in his state of panic and he could feel himself trying to remember. He  _ needed  _ to remember. There was no sound; no vision- nothing, though he wasn’t dead. How could he be? Because although he couldn’t smell anything or feel the air around him, he  _ could _ feel pain.

The first wave started at his neck, and the force of the pain slowly,  _ torturously,  _ spread through his veins like fire and ice, burning and freezing and tearing and ripping. His organs were being ripped apart and when his screams reached a certain dynamic, he was roused into being with only one thought.

He had almost forgotten.

_ Merlin. _

No. Morgana couldn’t know where he was. He couldn’t tell her, because how then would Merlin ever be able to forgive him? He scrunched up his eyes and forced himself to focus through the agony -through his body and mind being torn apart.

He felt a breath of air blow down the tiny gap between his neck and his armour- where his necklace would have been. Where it would have been had he not given it to the man he so wished to spend the rest of his life with. The man whose beautiful face was etched into his memory from the moment Gwaine had laid eyes on him. The man whose smile could light up his darkest days. 

The second wave was worse than the first, travelling up his neck and into the back of his brain, attacking each cell, each memory- searching for the answers. As he watched the memory of his childhood pass before him, and of his drunken teenage years- he fought. He hadn’t wanted to forget anything- but he would much rather forget any of that than the times he had spent in the presence of his love. An agonising high pitched screeching rang in his ears, and though he could feel the pressure of his eyes being forced forwards and the blood rushing to leave his head where it could- he couldn’t give up. He  _ wouldn’t _ give up. Not the memories of Merlin. Not the memories of their time together, or the thoughts of what they could have been- what they  _ should  _ have been.

He longed all his life to run his fingers through that mess of black hair, to entwine their fingers, to feel the brush of skin on skin, to take the man’s lips between his own… and now he never would.

The third wave took his body out of it’s straining paralysis, causing his tied up limbs to flail and his back to arch with the agony. His head thrown back, he let out scream after scream- and in his mind he saw him.  _ Merlin. _ The way he spoke back to the men in the tavern, the way he looked after Gwaine back at his first stay in Camelot, the way he promised to keep his secrets. He was watching the memories flash before his eyes, and he watched as Morgana and the Nathair tore them apart, searching for information. The physical pain had been enough but this,  _ this,  _ was what he had feared. He couldn’t allow his memories of Merlin to be taken, to be broken. 

When his final scream tried to leave his body, it came out as a sob- and with the way he had screamed himself hoarse, every heave, every cry turned his throat inside out with pain. The tears streamed down his face as Gaius and Guinevere flashed into his memory. They were headed to Avalon; and he’d failed. Gwaine had failed. He had let down the King, the Queen, the Kingdom… and he had let down the love of his life.

When the fourth and final wave hit- he didn’t tense up or recoil away in terror. No. He deserved this. He hadn’t been strong enough to protect him; and he could only hope, only  _ pray _ that they’d get there in time, and that Merlin would survive. 

This time, the pain didn’t start at his neck- it started in his heart. At first it was a stabbing pain, and every beat ripped at his muscle fibres and pulled at his nerves until all he could hear was ringing and buzzing in his mind; and then with the stabbing came an ache from somewhere deeper. It burned a hole inside of him, a hole that could only ever be filled by one person. And when he thought of Merlin, he had no tears left. He only hoped Percival would remember about the letter; and that Merlin would somehow find it in his heart to forgive him.

And then there was warm calloused hands, lifting his head from where it had fell to his chest. He could feel himself leaving, the pain still coursing through him, pumping his blood at an inhumane rate and forcing him to struggle for breath. He opened his eyes and although he was seeing what was in front of him, it didn’t fully register, for the Nathair had poisoned his mind- and the images in there would never be overpowered. 

“She’s riding for Avalon” he managed to say, though it came out strained and though he heard Percival say his name, it was Merlin’s smiling face he saw in front of him. Merlin’s heart-breaking, irreplaceable smile; and if he could only be happy that this face would be the last thing he would ever see.

He couldn’t muster up the strength to say sorry to Merlin, for he knew that he would never let him apologise. But he had to tell him. Merlin had to know it was his fault, that no one else was to blame.

“I failed”

And then the buzzing and the screeching in his mind stopped, and he could smell the earth around him, feel the air against his face - and hear a deep voice mumbling something from far away. He should be happy to be dying surrounded by such beauty, in the presence of one of those most loyal to him. But he was Gwaine, and he was going to selfish.

So, when the world around him became fuzzy, he focused on the image in his mind of that earth-shattering smile and those big, blue, loving eyes And though his body didn’t allow the sound to escape him, in his mind he screamed in anguish- heartsick in the knowledge that he would never see Merlin again.

 

And in the end, it wasn’t the Nathair that killed him. It was his own grief.

 


End file.
